Tuesday 31 January 2012

The Slightly More Humble Than Usual Bundle

Shared for descriptions of Mac & Linux :D

The Slightly More Humble Than Usual Bundle:

that old chestnut


…Which I don’t say to demean the fine contents of the latest Humble offering, but simply because there are slightly fewer games than usual, plus it’s primarily an Android phone offering, albeit with PC/smug expensive PC/beardy defensive PC versions of the contents also available. Which is, of course, why I’m posting it. They’re calling it the most cross-platformish bundle they’ve even done. Contents this time around are:


Anomaly: Warzone Earth (reverse tower defence), Osmos (cellular absorption puzzler), and EDGE (cubist physics puzzler). Pay over the average – currently in the $10 zone – and you’ll get World of Goo too.


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My strangest PC gaming problem yet: I’ve lost Games for Windows Live

Yep....

My strangest PC gaming problem yet: I’ve lost Games for Windows Live:

The year is 2012, and yet somehow Games for Windows Live is still a thing. It’s a dark future, to be sure, but even so I never imagined I’d have a problem as weird as this: I need it. And I can’t get it. It’s hard to stay angry when you’re laughing.

I’m trying to play Batman: Arkham City on PC, an excellent game that was unfortunately developed in 1408 AD, the last time anyone alive didn’t know Games for Windows Live was universally hated. And it’s working – in fact, it’s working better than usual. It’s working without Games for Windows Live. That part of the game simply never starts – I’m not asked to log in, the Home key won’t summon it, the main menu option does nothing, and the game seems to function smoothly without it.

The problem is that this was a Games for Windows Live game when I started playing it, so my thirty-odd hours of progress are tied to my GFWL account. This new, otherwise excellent version of the game I’ve stumbled into has no memory of that – I’m starting from scratch.

In fact, it has no memory at all – I play for 15 minutes, and that progress is also gone when I next start it up. No errors and no warnings – it even leaves out the confirmation screen that normally warns you you’ll lose any progress since the last checkpoint. That would, after all, imply that it had saved at the last checkpoint.

And so, with the same screwed up face I wear when punching an explosive barrel to see if that ‘works’, I try to manually install Games for Windows Live.

This is one fat clown in a top hat I may never get to strangle again.

As you might have heard, PC gaming no longer warrants its own site for Microsoft. It’s games, so that makes it one of those Xbox things. gamesforwindowslive.com doesn’t even redirect there – it’s a page of classy “sponsored listings for goods and services” like jackpotjoy.com.

So I get the GFWL client from xbox.com, install it, and get an error. This is not unexpected. The neurotic error text even seems to anticipate that I’m probably on the verge of giving up already:

“A required Windows component is disabled on your machine. Do you want to learn how to fix this problem?”

… or is life too short?

Actually, Microsoft, since this is for official PC Gamer business: yes. I care, I have time, and I’m going to try to use your support process. I’m the person you were hoping didn’t exist.

I click ‘Help’, and immediately the program seems unsure how to proceed. After an awkward pause, it starts up Google Chrome and takes me to a blank white page reassuring me that I’m being redirected to the appropriate support page – but presenting me with another option to give up, just in case.

I get an error – this is not unexpected. It is, however, extremely funny.

They’ve actually taken the time to pose an Xbox avatar in a dismissive shrug. His cheerful smile says, “Oh well! Doesn’t really affect Xbox!” But his empty black irises, his blank flesh-coloured sclera, glare with a deeper corporate indifference. “YOU ARE NOT MONEY.” They say. “I FEEL NOTHING FOR YOU.”

Apparently I’ve found a glitch in the system! Well done me. With all that clever probing, including but not limited to attempting to actually play the game, I managed to catch them out! Thank God they seem so cool about it. I just need to look up error code 18307F760405E4F s:mGdrKQGKMfExOFYHmj2lJg== id:d2b83066-0f9f-4ba8-a833-abf86a9a2f03 req:89e81e05-998d-4ee7-8b7a-ccd2b5e058f8 and it’ll all be OK!

That’s when I notice the URL. Have a look at the URL.

xbox.com/en-GB/support/pc

This isn’t one error code’s obtuse solution page that’s missing, it’s the English support page for PC gaming. It’s an error. Error 18307… is that the whole support section for the PC has gone.

In this shot, Batman represents GFW Live, Mr Freeze represents Batman, and the railing represents the working classes.

I found it, eventually, by Googling. It’s a page divided into four sections:

Section 1: Is this really our fault? Please check. You’ll find that it isn’t.
Section 2: Here’s a list of people whose fault this might be.
Section 3: Maybe this is YOUR fault! Reinstall DirectX.
Section 4: “Did this solution solve your problem?”

There is no support for Games for Windows Live itself, since it has never been the cause of any problems in PC gaming.

So I’m still stuck in my Games For Windowless world, which would be nice except for the Arkham City thing. I still don’t know which essential Windows component I’m missing – is this because I uninstalled Chess Titans, Microsoft? Actually, don’t tell me. I think I’ll stay here.



Must Watch: Aardman Animations' Ultra-Cute Claymation Batman and Catwoman [Video]

Huh. Do do.
Must Watch: Aardman Animations' Ultra-Cute Claymation Batman and Catwoman [Video]:






Aardman Animations, the people behind Wallace and Gromit and Chicken Run, are doing new claymation shorts starring DC Comics superheroes as part of Cartoon Network's new DC Nation block of programming. (Which will also include Plastic Man cartoons and a short series about superheroines teaming up called Super Best Friends Forever.) And now, here's your first glimpse at Aardman's take on DC characters. Could there anything cuter than claymation Catwoman explaining (in a little girl's overdubbed voice) that her cat mask covers her nose? And then... the hairball.




Wait What: Valve’s Games Now On Impulse

Lol. Impulse.

Wait What: Valve’s Games Now On Impulse:

This is too freaky.

This is curious. Valve’s games are now available to buy on rival digital distribution platform, Impulse. Oh 2012, you so crazy. Actually, this makes sense. Impulse was acquired last year by mega game retailer, GameStop. When all you care about is selling games to the most people, as a corporate entity like GameStop would, then you need to get the biggest games on your service. Valve’s games are on their shelves (remember those? Planky things for storing stuff), so there’s no reason why they shouldn’t be downloadable, either.

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28,000 fans to play Half-Life 2 this Saturday, why not join them?

28,000 fans to play Half-Life 2 this Saturday, why not join them?:

This Saturday the 28,000 members of this Steam group are planning to play Half-Life 2 together. It’s single player, of course, but there’s nothing stopping fans from getting together to stroke their chins and nod slowly in mass mutual appreciation for one of the best shooters ever made.


The group hopes that the massive play session will shoot Half-Life 2 up the Steam most-played list and let Valve know how many people are still waiting for Half-Life 2: Episode 3. Valve certainly know this already, and probably receive dozens of emails every day asking “WHERE AM HL3?” but the group hopes to deliver the message in a more appreciative way.

“Instead of focusing efforts in a negative and disrespectful way, we have decided to gain Valve’s attention by delivering a basic message: Your oldest and longest running fanbase would like better communication,” they say on the Steam group page.


Even if you’re not interested in sending Valve a message, any excuse is a good excuse to dip into Half Life 2 again, so why not join in? You can join the Call for Communication to add your weight to their message, or you can boot up and play a little for old times’ sake and spend some time with Eli, Alyx and the crew. It’s set to kick off at 7PM GMT / 11AM PST this Saturday. Thanks to Brett and Smash for the heads up.









The Brads - Buying a Computer

The Brads - Buying a Computer: The Brads - Buying a Computer:

PC buyers guide


Avoid Smoking Cigarettes

Avoid Smoking Cigarettes:

Avoid Smoking Cigarettes

Monday 30 January 2012

Iron Sky premieres at the Berlinale on 11.2.2012 - YouTube

Motherfucking Space Nazis Yo!
Iron Sky premieres at the Berlinale on 11.2.2012 - YouTube

Watch 48 years of Doctor Who adventures in less than 10 minutes [Video]

Watch 48 years of Doctor Who adventures in less than 10 minutes [Video]:

Youtuber BabelColour has lovingly condensed almost five decades of Who history into this 10-minute supercut that catalogs "every Doctor Who adventure from 'An Unearthly Child' in 1963 right up to 'The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe' Christmas Special." The spliced quotes also interlock to create one of the stranger Eurhythmics remixes out there.



[Via Buzzfeed]







Doyathinkhesaurus? 1916 = Trenches’n'Dinos

Doyathinkhesaurus? 1916 = Trenches’n'Dinos:

THE REAL MONSTER IS MAN, etc



Here’s a clever wee indie FPS we somehow missed last year, but now it comes accompanied with the news that a full-blown remake is on the way. I’m going to say a few words to you. Let’s see how you feel about them.



World War 1. Dinosaurs.

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30 Rock - Sh*t Liz Lemon Says - Video - http://www.nbc.com

30 Rock - Sh*t Liz Lemon Says - Video - http://www.nbc.com

Aliens Coming Out In Goddamn Fall, Trailer

I really hope this doesn't get delayed again.
Aliens Coming Out In Goddamn Fall, Trailer:

We can hold them back till Autumn, but not a season longer!

I sure hope that’s the “RPS Release Radar” (patent pending) pinging, and not the “Approaching Alien Xenomorph Motion Tracker”. Why did we program them to sound the same? That was my mistake. I’ll take the blame, but there was a two-for-one sale at “Stock Sounds For Imaginary Devices”. Hmm, I think it’s RPSRR and not the AAXTM, as I’m also hearing that Sega’s and Gearbox’s shiny FPS Aliens: Colonial Marines is skitterring on all fours all the way to Autumn. To pacify baying hoardes, they’ve also released a trailer.

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The Elder Strolls, Part 8: A Mammoth Decision

The Elder Strolls, Part 8: A Mammoth Decision:

In the last entry, Nordrick was faced with a question we’ve all struggled with at one point in our lives: “Should I marry a filthy homeless man?” After a great amount of heated internal debate, hours upon hours of soul-searching, and the thoughtful splitting of many cords of wood, I have finally reached a decision. I’m not going to marry Angrenor Once-Honored.

It all boils down to this: deep inside his thick, ugly head, Nordrick has a dream: a place to call home. Angrenor Once-Honored can give me a lot: companionship, happiness, comfort, a variety of social diseases brought on by unprotected hobosex in an unsanitary public thoroughfare… but he can’t give me a home. And so, I have to turn my back on the one man to ever love me. I’m off to Whiterun.

Before I leave, though, I feel like I should try to do something for poor Angrenor, who walks endlessly through the frigid, snowy streets of Windhelm without a penny to his name or a pair of sleeves to his, uh, arms. I buy some fine clothes and boots at the general store, and drop them in his path, hoping he’ll pick them up. He sees this, and runs over to ask if he can have them. Aw. He’s so nice, you guys! I give him permission and he picks them up, though I’m a little disappointed that he doesn’t actually put them on. I was hoping to leave Windhelm with the image of Angrenor strutting about in some classy duds. Alas.

Nordrick and Angrenor

Hey! I bought you a shirt! Also, I'm leaving you forever!

Jasper and I begin our stroll to Whiterun, following, as we always do, the river. Aside from some wolves and one giant spider, we make it through the day without much hassle. As evening approaches, we climb a long hill and come upon two towers connected by a bridge straddling the river. A bandit woman rushes over and tells me there’s a toll to pass safely. She wants 200 gold, but I talk her down to 50 (with my honeyed words). I figure we’re cool at that point, and I spend a few minutes using her cooking pot and looking at the tower. She eventually grows irritated and attacks, but I calm her back down by killing her. I search her body, but my gold isn’t there. Did she eat it?

I try to leave but the remainder of the bandits hiding in the towers attack, one by one, and Jasper keeps running off into the tower to protect me. After a long, calamitous fight, so frenzied that no decent screenshots of it were taken, four or five bandits lie dead, including one on the far side of the river who I bring down with a couple well-placed bowshots. That was pretty gruesome, but at least we have a place to spend the night.

Jasper and Nordrick

BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK (Jasper captioned this one.)

Another day of quiet walking (except for Jasper’s continuous barking, which is starting to grate) and a night spent at a Stormcloak camp, Whiterun finally comes into view. Sort of. It’s a bit gloomy today. Reaching the city gate, the guards don’t want to let me in because there’s some dubious talk of a dragon in the area. I’m pretty sure a locked gate won’t stop a dragon, but whatever. I bribe the guard and he lets me inside.

Whiterun

A classy city where a dropped hat probably doesn't lead to mob violence.

Whiterun! Now, this is a city. Forget the grim, claustrophobic alleys of Windhelm and the shoddy, jerk-filled wooden walkways of Riften. Whiterun’s avenues are wide, bright, and clean, and the people seem mostly pleasant. I start my day off at the blacksmith’s, where Adrianne Avenicci invites me to learn the trade by doing some basic crafting for her. I’m a pretty accomplished blacksmith by now, but I play along, and make her a dagger and helmet as if it’s my first time, hoping she’ll be so grateful she’ll marry me. While she’s impressed with my skills, she asks another favor: would I bring a sword to her father who works in the castle? I agree, and roughly three seconds later I realize she’s already married to the guy who runs the weapon shop. Great. Half the morning gone for nothing.

I stroll around the streets of Whiterun, with Jasper following and barking noisily (seriously irritating now), looking for anyone else who needs safe, reasonable help with something. Once again, everyone needs something. An elderly woman says her son was abducted by Imperials, and asks me to meet her at her house so she can give me all the details. Well, I am aroused by the mention of a house, but I’m trying to avoid any Imperial entanglements. Another woman I speak with is being stalked by some guy who wants to marry her, and would like some help fending off the leering jerk. Seeing as how I’d only be helping her so I could stalk and leer at her, I’m probably not the right man for the job.

There’s also an angry woman in the tavern who wants to fight me because she’s been snubbed by the local fighter’s guild, but I can’t imagine telling our grandchildren how it was love at first fight (plus, she looks really tough), so I’ll give that one a miss. A man and woman are bickering over a stolen sword, and the man wants to hire a mercenary to retrieve it from bandits. Sorry, I don’t kill for money, plus it seems as if he’s already married. Another woman named Ysolda is trying to break into the merchant business, and asks me to bring her a mammoth tusk to impress some Khajiit businessmen. Mammoths? I’m a hunter, sort of, but I prefer to stick to elk and deer. Mammoths are big and generally guarded by giants. Pass.

Nordrick and Ysolda

One of these days I'm going to ask someone to fetch ME something.

Although. I did see a mammoth tusk sitting on a bookcase when I rented my room at the inn. It turns out it’s not for sale, and I’m not a thief, but the general store is only a few feet away from where I was just talking to… what’s her name? Yolanda? Yosandra? Ysolda. Maybe they have a mammoth tusk I could just flat-out buy. I walk into the store and sure enough, the proprietor has a mammoth tusk for sale. It’s pricey, but it saves me from having to go nose-to-trunk with a giant hairy enraged elephant, so it’s probably worth it. I buy it and walk back over to… what the hell is her name again? Ysolda.

I give her the tusk, hoping she’ll think I somehow managed to bravely kill a mammoth in the past two minutes, and wouldn’t you know it, she suddenly notices I’m wearing an Amulet of Mara! Man. Love in Skyrim seems to involve not so much the performance of romantic deeds but the completion of routine business transactions. But, again, I’m just in this for the real estate, so who am I to criticize? Yosoldra (or whatever) wants to marry me! It’s happening! Again!

I back off immediately. Sure, Yosanta (whatever!) seems nice, and I like a woman who swoons when you lug part of a deceased elephant a few feet over to her, but I need to scope her out. It’s time to spend the day following her around like a horrid creep.

For a few hours, she walks around the merchant booths, chatting about this and that with the vendors. Okay, she’s sociable. That’s nice. I never saw Angrenor talk to anyone but me. In the afternoon, she stops chatting with the locals and walks off. I follow. She’s heading for a small house behind the general store. Could it be? Oh, it could. Oh, it be.

Skyrim House

All this could be mine! The bed, the chairs, the dishes... oh, and that lady!

Whatsername has a house! I follow her inside, because I want to make sure her house doesn’t completely suck. Oh, and because I love her or something. It’s a small place, to be sure, though there’s a nice cooking pot, a bookcase, a table, a wardrobe, and a little dining nook with two chairs. After she has a snack, she leaves and I continue shadowing her. She walks all the way to the castle, twice, which gives me a chance to deliver Adrianne’s sword to her father so it doesn’t haunt my inventory for the rest of eternity. He gives me 20 gold. Ooooh, thanks. Now I can buy that carrot I’ve had my eye on.

The woman I’m in love with whose name I still can’t really remember continues walking around town until dark, then heads to the tavern, where she drinks, eats, and enjoys the bard’s performance, even stiffly (but politely!) clapping after each song. Around midnight, she heads home. She locks the door, so unfortunately I can’t stand over her watching her sleep all night, but there will be plenty of time for that if we marry.

I head back to the inn for the evening. Time for the pros and cons list! It’s pretty easy this time.

Pros:

1) Likes me
2) Impressed by speedy mammoth bone delivery
3) Active social life
4) Eats and drinks
5) Enjoys music
6) Not filthy, homeless

Skyrim House

7) THIS

Cons:

NONE. Let’s do this. In the morning, I find her by the merchant booths, and excitedly pop the question. She says yes. We are to be wed. Holy crap.

“You should arrange our marriage in Riften right away,” she says and immediately walks away. Oh. Uh, sure. I’ll just go arrange the entire wedding all by myself, shall I? Okay. I’ll just do the whole thing. I just went out and killed a mammoth for you, as far as you know, and brought you a piece of it, but why shouldn’t I also do all the wedding planning myself? I’ll just do everything in this relationship! EVERYTHING! YOU’RE SUFFOCATING ME!

Okay, okay. Let’s calm down. We had a little tiff, honey, but that’s normal for two people about to marry, right? Perfectly normal. Couples in love grow and change and sometimes bicker, but it doesn’t mean that their love is any less JASPER GODDAMNIT WILL YOU STOP BARKING? I’M TRYING TO HAVE AN IMAGINARY FIGHT WITH YOUR FUTURE MOTHER! SHUT! UP!

I’m sorry, Jasper, I’m sorry. It’s just the stress of having to plan this wedding. You know, plan it all by myself. I guess it’s getting to me.

So! Now I need to go all the way back to Riften to arrange our wedding (by myself). I think maybe I should have something nice to wear on my wedding day, though. Wouldn’t that be appropriate? I head to the general store to find some fancy duds, but they aren’t selling much besides “Clothes”, unfortunately. I can’t even find a nice new hat to wear. Then an idea strikes me: why not craft something for my wedding day? I recently increased my smithing skills to the point where I can craft Dwarven accoutrements: why not whang myself out some special ceremonial wedding armor?

It takes most of my savings, but I buy a bunch of Dwarfonium bars (or whatever) and presto! I’ve some gleaming new Dwarven armor to wear on my wedding day. I have to say, I’m a quite impressed with myself. Using my self-taught crafting skills and most of my personal fortune to build myself some ceremonial Dwarven wedding armor is a pretty damn romantic gesture to my bride-to-be. Slightly less romantic is the fact that wearing my new Dwarven armor makes me look like a giant fucking robot.

Dwarvrick

LOVEBOT 5000 ONLINE. PRIME DIRECTIVE: TO BONE YOU

Not quite the dashing knight I was picturing, but it’s the thought that counts. Now, all that’s left is to clomp my way back to Riften, and plan the wedding (myself). Come on, Jasper! Stop your stupid barking and obey your robot overlord! Bleep bloop bleep!

Save the date! If I can make it back to Riften speedily and safely, you’re all invited to the wedding of Nordrick and… shit, what the hell is her name?