Some people have criticized the ending of the latest Doctor Who Christmas special, for reasons we won't reveal until after the spoiler warning. And this started us thinking — what if "The Doctor, the Widow and the Wardrobe" had ended more like Russell T. Davies' weirdest episode, "Love and Monsters"? You know, the one where the ELO fan's girlfriend's face gets turned into a paving stone and he has lots of arguably non-consensual paving stone oral sex with her?
And then we started wondering... what if every Doctor Who story ended like "Love and Monsters"? Spoilers ahead...
So in "The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe," Madge Arwell flies a magical castle thingy through time and space, and along the way she saves her husband, who had been missing and presumed lost over the English Channel. But what if Steven Moffat had gone for a somewhat more daring ending?
Like, for example, Madge Arwell is crying over her supposedly dead husband, and trying to comfort her two inconsolable children. And then the Doctor comes back into the castle thingy and announces that it's okay — thanks to the magical timey-wimey powers of the alien forest, Madge was able to save the most important part of Reg. Cue the Doctor holding up a square of cement with Reg's face peeking out of it.
"You'll never have to follow me home again," says Madge, overjoyed, "because you'll always be right there, on my garden path. Or maybe I'll build a shrubbery around you. And just think what this will do for our sex life!" The children gather around kiss daddy's concrete-shrouded face. "This is the best Christmas ever!!!" And then the Doctor says something about "humany-wumany, concretey-woncretey." The end.
But you know... this works for almost every Doctor Who story, and it always makes them better. Once we started thinking about it, we realized this is like the universal ending improver. See for yourself!
"The Parting of the Ways" — Rose Tyler looks into the Time Vortex, and her face gets all glowy and insane. The Doctor uses his magic kiss to slurp the Vortex energy out of her, but it's too late — only one part of Rose can be saved. "You know what?" Rose tells the Doctor, "They keep trying to split us up, but they never will."
"Logopolis" — The Doctor has a premonition about his own death, and spends the rest of the story trying to outwit the Master. In the end, though, the Fourth Doctor falls off a radio telescope saving the universe, and only one part of him can be saved. "It's the End," says the face in the cement square, "but the moment has been prepared for." The whole of Season 19 is about Adric, Nyssa and Tegan carting around Tom Baker's face in a piece of cement.
"The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang" — Rory shoots Amy with his Auton hand! She's dead. And the universe is dying. But the Doctor comes up with a brilliant plan to bring Amy back to life. Well, part of her, anyway. The wedding scenes are really, really weird.
"An Unearthly Child" — Two schoolteachers decide to follow their mysterious student home, only to find she lives in a junkyard. With a crazy old man. They all get whisked back in time and menaced by prehistoric people, but at least the schoolteachers are able to save Susan Foreman. Well, part of her. "Grandfather!" shouts the piece of walkway. "Whatever shall I do?"
"The Talons of Weng Chiang" — Magnus Greel's face is melting, due to the effects of the Zigma radiation — it's gotten to the point where his whole ethnic identity has melted down and he's having to pretend to be a nonexistent Chinese god and hang around fake Chinese people. But Greel's liquefied face turns out to be a good thing for his survival prospects, and he becomes a permanent part of the London streets. "The Zigma experiment was a success!" he crows. And then people step on him. "Ow. Hey! Watch where you're stepping. Ow. Oh, crap."
"The Five Doctors" — You wouldn't actually have to change the ending of this one at all, come to think of it.
"City of Death" — The Doctor frantically travels back in time to the primordial ooze to stop Scaroth of the Jaggeroth from averting the creation of life on Earth. He only succeeds part way — humanity is still born, but only part of humanity. Arguably, the most important part. "Our sex life is curiously not that great," says the human race, looking up from along the sidewalks.
We could go on and on. But now it's your turn! In the comments, nominate your favorite Doctor Who story that could be improved by giving it a "Love and Monsters" ending. Because it's the Friday of New Years' weekend, and what else are you going to do with your time?
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